Notification of Policy Changes

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Boy, when I become Supreme and Exalted Lord High Dictator for Life of the Entire Universe, there are gonna be some changes around this joint.

Don’t worry, my adoring subjects, I will not curtail any of your freedoms. It is my conviction that only free people are happy people, and I want you to be happy, so I will not ban anything: freedom of expression, guns, books, music, art, religion, nothing.

However, there are some things I do not like—plastic grocery bags and Mylar balloons stuck in the brush on trails where I like to ride, for example—so I will implement new laws to deal with these issues. As soon as I take the throne (and when I say throne, I don’t mean something ostentatious and made out of gold or anything like that; think Eames chair, with maybe a built-in holder for my beer) the law will be changed to the death penalty for littering. Unfortunately, that means if little Johnny lets his Mylar balloon get away from him, there will be an immediate execution. Sorry, but the law is the law.

Now I know some of you may think is just a touch draconian, but look on the bright side. Why, I bet the learning curve will be so fast that I won’t have to execute more than a few tens of thousands of people globally before the word gets out that I’m serious about this thing, and as soon as people understand there really are consequences (make that Consequences) for breaking my laws, by golly, I’ll bet there won’t be anymore problems with any kind of crime. And the world will be a better and safer place. And I won’t have to pick up any (expletive deleted) plastic bags and Mylar ballons.

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