Deadly, To the Last Drop

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A California Superior Court judge, Elihu Berle, in Los Angeles, has decided on a case brought by an organization known as the Council for Education and Research on Toxics (the brainchild, if you can call it that, of a lawyer named Raphael Metzger), ruling that coffee sold in California must now come with a warning label in every store, on every bag of beans, on every cup, advising people that drinking coffee may cause cancer. You will be relieved to know, Gentle Reader, that this ruling will greatly enrich the Metzger Law Group at your expense.

Therefore, with public good in mind, I would like to propose three new laws that will simplify the lives of every American and save countless billions of dollars.

First, every single person who graduates from law school, before he or she receives his or her diploma, must have the following words tattooed prominently, in letters no smaller than one half-inch, on his or her forehead:

Warning! This product may be hazardous to your wealth.

Second, all along the California border, whether on dry land or the coast, from Mexico to Oregon, large, readily visible signs in every language known to man, ancient or modern, including Esperanto, must be posted at intervals not to exceed one quarter mile (1320 feet), that read:

Warning! This state contains shysters known to cause poverty, frustration, insanity, waste of time, premature graying of hair, wrinkles, alopecia, ulcers, hypertension, depression, and/or uncontrollable hysterical laughter.

Third, the state of California must erect billboards on every road (interstate, state, county, or local) at distances no greater than one mile (5280 feet) that read:

Warning! Life leads to death.

That’ll simplify things.

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23 thoughts on “Deadly, To the Last Drop”

  1. …ja, das habe ich auch gelesen und mein Gedanke war… “total verrückt” …. kann man in der heutigen Zeit überhaupt noch etwas essen und trinken, was nicht gesundheitliche Schäden verursachen kann … bei all` diesen Dingen, sollte man doch auch “Die Kirche im Dorf lassen” (dies ist ein Sprichwort für absolute Übertreibung des Ganzen)…..”Schokolade kann auch dick machen”…welch Ironie… vielleicht sollte man das auch auf die Verpackung schreiben oder steht das vielleicht schon drauf ?!…absolut verrückt und unsinnig solche Entscheidungen…(…ist aber auch nur meine Meinung) …..Manuela

    1. ….einen kleinen “Humor-Kommentar” muss ich noch loswerden : …. “Frohe Ostern”….mit viel Spaß und Genuss bei einer oder auch zwei Tasse(n) Kaffee, einem Stückchen leckeren Kuchen und vielen bunten Ostereiern…aber Vorsicht, das könnte für’s Leben angenehm sein, steht aber -noch- NICHT auf der Verpackung drauf …. Viele Grüße Manuela

  2. The loons have taken over. I dont know why you stay in California. So many better states to live. Come to Tn! You would love it!

  3. Oh I love this so much!! It is true, Life is fatal, no one gets out alive.

    I love the way you think (and write). Thank you for being a mostly humorous voice of common sense in a world gone insane.

    VA

  4. You may not remember this, but I do, because I’m a big nerd with a mind like a metal trap for useless trivia, “First Let’s Kill All the Lawyers” was the title of the very last episode of Simon & Simon that ever aired in its original run.

    I shall also stash away in my metal trap that coffee causes cancer. And disgust; it tastes terrible.

    My mother died on Monday. I am putting together a service. Any suggestions on poetry? I think you probably have the greatest working knowledge of poetry of anyone I can think of.
    Michele

    1. Please accept my condolences, and these two poems in lieu of flowers. They were all I could come up with off the top of my head, but they are both, in their different ways, quite extraordinary.

      Funeral Home, by Marianne Burke

      Let us think of you spared, carried gently
      in the arms of the ocean that’s piped
      through speakers, spreading a hush in Pamela’s
      where we sit, adrift on the parlor couch
      between time, in death’s caesura.

      The funeral director ticks off a list
      of questions. He wants the facts, reduces you
      to an abstract—mother with a capital “M.”
      Nowhere will it say how petite you were,
      that your wedding ring fits my pinkie finger,
      or that, tucked into your coffin, you will look
      like a doll we will never outgrow.
      Downstairs, he shows us his fleet
      of caskets, satin-lined, open-lidded—
      music boxes whose strains are too fine

      for us to hear, like your voice,
      utterless, our names dead on your tongue.
      Even here the ocean’s cold hush.

      You are lost at sea.
      To think we must choose a vessel,
      one that will not float, but sink.
      Mahogany is what we set you in—
      our mother of pearl, our buried treasure.

      …………………………………………………..

      if there are any heavens… by e.e. cummings

      if there are any heavens my mother will(all by herself)have
      one. It will not be a pansy heaven nor
      a fragile heaven of lilies-of-the-valley but
      it will be a heaven of blackred roses
      my father will be(deep like a rose
      tall like a rose)
      standing near my
      (swaying over her
      silent)
      with eyes which are really petals and see
      nothing with the face of a poet really which
      is a flower and not a face with
      hands
      which whisper
      This is my beloved my
      (suddenly in sunlight
      he will bow,
      & the whole garden will bow)

  5. Can’t resist joining in on such silliness. Brings to mind one of my favourite phrases from a veterinarian I once worked with: “Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality”.
    Nora M.

  6. Well, all that’s well and good–it will create JOBS gittin’ all that signage made! And maybe we can get Mexico to pay for it all!….L.B.

  7. I liked your post. Well said. It’s too bad that California has come to this..
    Best wishes,
    MH

  8. This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard!! My 95 year old mother passed away two weeks ago and she loved her coffee every single day …3-4 cups daily. I love my coffee, too! I have recently retired from Starbucks and with all the coffee employees drink I have never heard of anyone getting cancer from it.

    Still laughing,

    Nancy Gallinger

    1. I was listening to the Tim Conway Jr Show. Starbucks is holding out and refusing to post any type of warning signs in their coffee shops. MelissaSD

  9. Herr Parker, könnten Sie bitte ein schönes “Oster/ Frühlingsgedicht” auf Ihren Blog schreiben ? —- für positive Gedanken — bei all` der Dummheit, was auf der Welt herrscht—- … Gott schütze Sie und Ihre Familie. …. Manuela

  10. So, let me get this straight it fine to smoke pot, but coffee has to come with a health warning?

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